It would be true to say that my big night out is not what you would normally expect from a night out on the town. For a start it is more a night out in the country than a night out on the town, and secondly, rather than going out to meet people I make a point of avoiding people. I suppose that’s a bit weird, but there you are, that’s me. Perhaps I am weird; I don’t have many friends, and those I do have are mainly people from work. I’m a bit of a loner. I live on my own and haven’t had a girlfriend to speak of, well, ever. I’m not sure whether that’s how I like it or whether it’s just the way it is, but it suits me just fine.
My big night out is an opportunity for me to get out of my small but perfectly tidy apartment and to wander around freely without having to worry about what people might think about me. Usually I drive out to the country at dusk and then sit in my car with the windows open listening to the day time animals and birds settling down for the night, and the night time creatures stirring. As night falls I get myself ready, change and leave the car. I have very good night sight but if I am very lucky and the night is clear I get the benefit of the light of the moon, which gives everything a very eerie colourlessness.
There is virtually no traffic noise, and very little other noise from human habitation, but there are so many other noises that you can only be aware of if you get out among the night creatures. It’s not just the commonplace noises like the hooting of an owl, or the scream of a vixen, but if you pay attention, you can hear the shuffling of mice and the snuffling of the badgers and hedgehogs. Of course the animals are cautious of me, but not in the way they are in the daytime. There seems to be an acceptance of what you are among the animals at night.
Anyway that’s my big night out. It may be weird, but it strikes me as a much more sensible way of spending a wild night (ha ha) than getting drunk with a load of other people in a noisy night club. I simply wander off across fields and through woods. I don’t need to keep to the footpaths because there is no one to see me stray from them and anyway I don’t care; I am at one with nature.
This night was different. This night I met someone. Of course from time to time I see people, but I always stay well away from them. This is my time and my space and I’m happy to leave them with theirs. I am always alert to the possibility of people and keep a watchful eye open, but so far had never been caught unawares.
I’d reached a favourite spot of mine in a little wood beyond a field I like to wander up. I’d lain down to listen to the sounds of the night. If I remain really still, the night creatures settle down to their business and I can watch and listen to them as they go about their business. I must have been there for about 30 minutes, very still and totally absorbed into the life around me when something, the tiniest movement, made me look around.
She was lying about 10 feet away and staring straight at me. It was the kind of stare that seems to look straight through you, the kind that makes you look behind you to see if there is someone or something else that they could be looking at. I stared back. I reckon we were both shocked to see each other and so close as well, but the staring just went on. Neither of us moved or said anything for ages, but the woods seemed to have stopped too, as if the animals knew that something was not quite right. Eventually, I got up and strolled over to her. There was nothing to be said, so I said nothing. She said nothing back. It was as if we both knew that this was somehow preordained, that this was in some way what we had both been waiting for, that one person in the whole world that was right for you. We walked the whole night together without saying a word, just drifting in the blissful warmth of our closeness.
I find it difficult to recall details of that night after I met her. I remember that the night sounds were somehow more distinct, but at the same time less relevant to me. I’m not sure where we went, but I do remember that it was a beautiful night with a full moon which made the fields silvery, and I remember a barn owl that swooped silently low overhead on its broad white wings and made us jump. I also remember that it came as a surprise to see the glimmer of light on the horizon indicating that the first glow of dawn was upon us. Usually I made it back to the car in good time before the dawn but now I wasn’t even sure where my car was. I stopped to look around to get my bearings. I could only have looked away for a few seconds, but when I turned back, she had gone. She seemed to have vanished as mysteriously and as suddenly as she had appeared.
I made my way back to my car, changed and went back to my house to get ready for work. To say I was disconsolate would be an understatement. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. We were obviously meant for each other, otherwise why had she been there of all places, in my favourite wood on my big night out.
From this moment my life took on a relentless pattern. I would go to work and fill my day speaking to no one, communicating by email when necessary, but always thinking of her. On my way into work I would search for her in the street from the top of the bus, and the same on the way home. I would study the faces and particularly the eyes of the other passengers, hoping that I would recognise her. At home, I moped around my apartment. I would turn the TV on and not watch it. I would put music on and not listen to it. I would sit down with a book, and after 20 minutes not remember what I had read. On going to bed I would lie awake reliving that night and wonder for yet another time where I had gone wrong. What had I done to make her run away? At times I thought that I had imagined the whole thing, that I had dreamed it while I was in the wood. Yes that would explain it. It was simply a vivid dream that I had awoken from and not realised it was a dream. But that would mean that I had walked in my sleep, because I was a long way from the wood when she disappeared. It was the only explanation I could live with, and eventually I would fall asleep exhausted.
I became obsessed. Instead of staying in my apartment at night I would wander around town looking for her. I felt sure that even if I couldn’t recognise her I would know her as soon as I saw her. Each night I would visit a different part of town and scan the faces for her. I would sit on benches watching the people go by, and take different buses to see different people. I drifted round town all night. Unconcerned for my own safety I would treat the rough areas and the better off areas with equanimity. On two occasions I went out at night and revisited the place where we had met even though I knew in my heart of hearts that she would not be wandering there alone in the dark unless the time was right. I could not live my life simply waiting for the right time hoping that I would see her again and fearing that she would once again disappear; I had to be with her all the time.
About a month after first seeing her I was no better off and was, as usual, wandering around yet another area of this town looking for her. I stopped off at a coffee house, stood in line while someone took my order then waited for my coffee to be prepared. As usual, I scanned all the faces in the coffee house, hoping against hope to see her, but by now I was beginning to doubt that I would ever see her again, or recognise her if I did see her. Tonight would be my big night out, but I was convinced that she had run away from me on that memorable night, and that even if I were to revisit that area of countryside she would not be there. I felt that my only hope was to find her in the town in the daylight so that she could understand that she and I were destined for each other and that she need not be afraid with me. I turned back to the counter to take my coffee and looked up at the girl behind the counter. Our eyes met.
It was just like the first time. We stared. Each totally absorbed in the other. Again, all the sounds of the coffee house and the passing traffic seemed to silence and it was as if we were alone, just gazing at each other. There was absolutely no doubt that she was the one.
I have no idea how long we stood like this, nor do I care. This time it was her turn to make the first move. She took off her apron and walked round the counter to me. The spell thus broken, sounds began to intrude and I could hear her colleague asking her what she was doing, where she was going, and the other customers getting irritated at the delays in taking and receiving their orders. She didn’t care. She took my hand and we walked out of there and carried on walking down the street and through the town. There were so many things I wanted to ask her, but I could only bask in the warmth of her closeness.
That night we drove out in my car to the place we had first met and sat in the half light of dusk until it became dark. We changed together. We left the car and watched as the full moon rose in the sky. I let out a long joyful howl which echoed through the countryside. She responded, throwing her beautiful she-wolf head up and howling in worship of the moon and in love for me. We were lone wolves no longer.
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